Poem: It Didn’t Have To Be This Way

Too afraid of desiring someone

In case it was unreciprocated.

Pitifully terrified they might fatigue

or leave if I did.

I took the easy way out,

made myself small to fit in,

Dimmed my light to hide from the world,

Begging for them to ignore me

Whilst desperate to be seen.

I shut myself down,

closed myself off.

They responded exactly as I pled.

That’s on me!

Addicted to the trauma,

I clung to my past and locked the door,

Shielding myself from anything good

Despite grovelling for it.

I blamed trauma,

I blamed my experiences,

I blamed society.

But I pathetically chose to let them define me.

Chose to bind myself to them,

Chose to anchor myself in them.

Let them be a goddamn barrier to my own happiness.

I buried myself in anything

that adulterated my pleasure,

Allowing it to consume me

So I was never seen as truly bereft,

Losing sight of my real desires

As I foolishly gaslit myself.

Why do I define myself by my trauma?

Why do I give it power over me?

Why do I allow it to dictate my future?

Not dealing with the pain,

the disappointment,

the isolation,

I desperately submitted to them.

I welcomed their subjugation

like a worthless marionette.

You can’t look if you close your eyes.

Can’t embrace desire, if you push it away.

Can’t accept love if you hide from it.

The validation of trauma sharing

Sunk me like a leaky boat.

It was everything I was,

And it ran me aground.

Closed off from love.

Unwilling to be desired.

Unwilling to be liberated.

Did I do this to myself?

I fucking did this to myself.

It didn’t have to be this way.

A step into vulnerability

finally permits me to be seen—

To be attractive,

To be desired.

A crack in my armour

allows what I need to enter.

Respect, lust, desire.

It is unfamiliar.

Unexpected, but welcome.

It strokes the soul in unforeseen ways,

Reaching depths previously impossible.

It is not defined by trauma,

But informed by it.

I begin to discover my desirability

Just as a guiding hand enters.

A catalyst for change,

not my saviour, not my life partner.

I need to embrace them.

Not as a forever person,

but as a key to a lock once rusted shut.

I need to allow them to open that lock,

Seizing the opportunity in front of me

Instead of cowardly running from it.

The door to love, to desire, to fulfilment

is slowly opening and stands before me.

I am about to take that first step,

Finally choosing to step through.

Authors Note:

In the terribly unlikely event that you—the “guiding hand”—are reading this: thank you.

Your ability to quietly offer respect, to be open and vulnerable, and to see me in a way few have, has genuinely sparked a moment of profound growth. I share this not to lay a burden at your feet or to ask you to carry the weight of my trauma for me. I am strong enough to do that myself. But simply by being you, you helped me unpack years of compounded denial and doubt, and have given me an opportunity I desperately needed, in a way I never expected.

So, I graciously offer you my sincere, heartfelt gratitude.